Being a single mother is a difficult task-ask anyone. Having a child with cancer is an even more difficult task-as I’m sure you can imagine. Now combine the two, add in many sleepless nights, stupid mistakes, arguments, and temper tantrums (thrown by both my kids and myself) and you’ll get a glimpse of what my life has been like the past 2+ years. I’m not telling you this to complain or gain sympathy. I’m telling you to preface how awesome our God is!
If you’ve read my very first blog post sharing my testimony, you know that I went a little “crazy” after my divorce. I got married young (at 17) and after 6 years in a tumultuous marriage, my husband came home from work and said “I don’t think I love you anymore-I want a divorce.” He left our two children and I almost immediately and moved in with a coworker whom he was having an affair with (whom he later married). Because I was young, and hurt, and dealing with emotions I didn’t want to process, I became sexually promiscuous. I did a lot of stupid things I now regret.
Because I had allowed myself to be used by men and I settled with the fact that I was unhappy and unfulfilled, but that was just “the way it was,” my self-esteem plummeted. I felt like I didn’t deserve any better so I didn’t even want to bother with dating. But those nights alone, in my bed, were unbearable. I was lonely. I needed companionship. Even through those dark times, I would write in my journal and pray to God for a good, honest, Christian man who loved Him and would love me and my children. I made lists of “what I want in a man” and wrote down verses about what makes good husband material according to the Bible to compare.
I finally stepped away from the men who were using me and tried to focus on myself. At first, the loneliness consumed me, but I slowly began finding my way and realizing that being alone is not the prison I thought it was. Because I always have my kids and couldn’t go out and “date” in the traditional sense, I decided to join some online dating websites just to cast my net and see what was out there for me.
After a few weeks on the site, and after talking to several men quite extensively, I wanted to meet one of the people I was chatting with and texting, which I didn’t take lightly. Before meeting, we talked on the phone for a week and I felt I had a good sense of who he was as a person. We scheduled to meet and before the meeting, I was so incredibly anxious and nervous and excited. I honestly wasn’t getting my hopes up because this whole experience was supposed to be a trial and error and testing the waters of dating. When my eyes first met his though, I instantly became a nervous wreck. There was something about him that gave me butterflies and made me fumble over my words. I couldn’t even make eye contact with him. I was a mess.
After several hours of talking and eating, it was amazing how comfortable I felt with him. During our conversation, I was reassured that he was the same person I had been speaking to online (not putting on a front or being fake). We hit it off and from that moment on, we’ve been nearly inseparable.
He has made me the happiest woman in the world. Because of him I am a better mother and an all-around better person. He brings out the parts of me that were buried under years of mistrust and hurt that I thought were gone forever. He makes me feel like myself again. Even though we have only known each other a short time (since April), I can’t imagine spending my life without this man and his two, beautiful daughters in it.
God has truly shown me His favor and given me the man I needed (even when I didn’t know I needed him). He loves my kids like they are his own. He loves me more than I’ve ever been loved by anyone else. He believes in Christ and has similar beliefs to me. He is a great father to his girls. He is kind. He has a good heart. And when he kisses me, I still get butterflies in my stomach.
I always thought the “love” we see in films and read in books that portrays the craving to be with one another and the butterflies was all a fairy tale, but it isn’t. I want to spend every waking moment with him. When we are apart, my body physically aches and yearns for him. I crave his presence, his touch, his smell. He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the man God put on this earth for me. I just hate it that we went this long without each other, but then again, if we would have met each other any earlier, we both may not have been ready. God’s timing isn’t always what we want, but He has a reason for it.
If I had to go through my husband cheating on me and all of the betrayals and hurts all over again just to one day be with him, I would do it over again in a heartbeat.
Song of Solomon 3:4 “I have found the one whom my soul loves.”