Being a mother of a child with cancer is so much harder than I imagined it would be!
At times, I feel scared, worried, anxious, nervous, jealous, happy, joyous, hopeful, or a combination of all of the above. Sometimes, I feel the worst feeling of all…guilt. I feel as if it is my fault my daughter is suffering. I know I physically did not say, “I wish my daughter were sick” (nor would I ever), but learning what I know now and after researching and reading several books and speaking with all of the doctors and nurses that have worked or are working on Bella’s case, I can’t help, but feel as though this is partially my fault.
Let me explain…My older sister had a son who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL); the same type of cancer Bella has. Unfortunately, he lost his battle. This is (and has been for a while-even before Bella was diagnosed) constantly in the back of my mind. My heart aches for my sister-to lose a child would be the greatest pain anyone could ever face. I didn’t know what to say to her other than “I’m so sorry.” Now that Bella is going through the same experience, I feel blessed that I have someone so close to me that I can talk to about the situation because she knows what I’m feeling, but I feel guilty bringing it up to her. I’d hate to make her relive any pain.
It just strikes me as odd that doctors/nurses/etc. are always saying they don’t know what causes cancer, or worse-EVERYTHING causes cancer. You see on news reports that using a microwave, using your cell phone, poor diet, lack of exercise, use of tobacco products, alcohol consumption, radiation, sun exposure, cooking with pots/pans that have a Teflon coating, use of many cosmetic products, drinking from plastic water bottles, etc. And according to the American Cancer Society, breast, ovarian, and pancreatic cancers are the only cancers that they have proven have genetic ties, but I believe genetics play a much bigger role in cancer than they think.
I just wish I would’ve gotten genetic testing done. If my sister’s son and my daughter both were diagnosed with the same type of cancer, then that means our other children (her two daughters and my son) are at risk, not to mention the fact that they may be passing on the “cancer gene” to their children. I just wish I would’ve known. I wish someone would have tested our family or something, but who would’ve known. I wish I could protect my children, my grandchildren, my great-grandchildren from this horrible disease. Do I feel guilty, yes. Do I pray daily for both of my children, all of the children we’ve met along the way who are fighting the same fight, and for their families, yes. Is there something we can do about it, yes. Fund cancer research-more specifically, childhood cancer research (the most underfunded cancer research at this time). Check out this video to hear childhood cancer funding information. It’s incredibly informative! https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=a2wZkMTA7l4
Follow Bella’s fight with Leukemia: http://www.facebook.com/isabellavsleukemia